pondering.

I'm not really sure what to write about today. I think I forgot yesterday, so I feel I should write something, even if it is completely pointless and uninteresting.

First things first, I guess, (or not, since this is the second point of this post), My Cousin/Godfather's wife had her baby yesterday night!! We don't know a name yet but pictures on facebook show he is pretty much adorable!!

Next, there's a girl in my English class who is doing my head in ever so slightly. Despite the fact that an argument in Paris seems to have been forgotten, her ever so closed mind is present as ever.
When we were given the task of converting a scene in Middleton and Rowley's "The Changeling" into a novel excerpt, we had to work in fours and then split into pairs. So myself and this girl were paired together because we both wanted to do the particular take on the play. But then she decided she wanted to write her piece in the style of Hardy, and did a slightly omniscient-but-missing-something piece - but our teacher wanted us to stick to the original script as much as we could. So I put in a lot of effort, almost 2 pages of writing for 2 (short) pages of script. And she said could I used a particular line to end mine, so it leads into hers (because we split the scene in half).
Except it was very...different to what I had already done. Because I interpreted the task as write novel section with dialogue, basic structure but particular language, her line looked so separate. And so the other day I decided I was going to write it on my own, and tell her this on Monday, giving her 2 days to finish hers.
They do not work together.
We can not work together.
I will not be told how to write my own work by somebody too high up their own backside to see anyone elses opinions, thoughts or talents.


So it seems I did have something to write. Hurrah!!

float.

Today I realised how much I am beginning to dislike North. I noticed it today. After we had finised at Cutsie's house, four of us went to a local pub, and North didn't come because she had a sports game to go to.
We just sat around, playing cards, and I got some chips with curry sauce.
And I realised why I find friday nights at the pub so boring - because I usually go with North and her nights revolve around getting plastered and wandering home at about 4 am. Whereas it's better not to worry about where your next drink or snog is coming from, and just relax with friends.

I got paid today, thank god, because when I walk with my slippers on, my big toe appears through the hole in the top, and also my ipod 'headphones' (as I call them, they're actually earplugs, am I right?) don't work properly anymore. The connection is going =[

Now i'm going to cuddle my belly full of pizza, chips, lemonade, cake and random 'cocktails' that the boys made, and watch friends.

rush.

its 11:08 pm (at time of typing) and I just realised I haven't posted today.

Mr R has just gone. Fun times...I don't really know what to add without getting aggravated with myself and also without running the risk of repeating a lot of things. So lets skim over that for now.

Tomorrow is one of my best friends' birthdays. It's going to be fun, because there's a (secret), but i'm also annoyed. Because I couldn't get any ID to go out in reading on friday.

On reflection though, i'm not mad. Because there's a reason there's an age limit on these things. I don't want to do it until i'm legally old enough. Because i've done everything else, what else is there to look forward to?

Birthdays and events such as christmas always give me chance to realise what a Shopaholic I really am. As long as I buy things, and spend money, i'm happy.
It doesn't even have to be for me. I realised this when I spend a ton of money at christmas, and just kept buying things.
Bad habit, will not help me live at uni, bad habit.

No idea how to cure it though. Comment suggestions, perhaps?

waiting.

Well, it's 8:25 am, and I don't have anything to (really) do until 1:35. Which is fun. Unfortunately these few hours could turn into a battle with my conscience.
For some reason, i've started thinking that absolutely anything I eat will make me gain about 10 lbs. Whilst I know this is not true, I don't feel like I should eat. I might just have some grapes.
The problem is that when I feel like this I feel like going the complete opposite way, and munching through terrible amounts of food in order to prove that I'm going to eat.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever way you look at it) there's not much in the way of good binging food in the house. So I am reduced to sandwiches, pasta or soup.

I've just remembered there are biscuits in the cupboard...hmm. Could be a starting point but the 'problem' is that my mum and I share them, so she will see how much i've eaten (especially since they're still in the packet and hidden in a cupboard, so my dad doesn't know where they are and so cannot eat them.

Other fun activities for the next three and a half hours until I get my bus include a shower, and maybe wii fit. We bought a new game yesterday, Pirates of the Caribbean; At Worlds End, however the sword fighting is so active that my arm is still aching. Fun times.

home and away.

I found a home away from home today. Not only can I imagine myself there, happily trundling along, doing what I love - but the area is incredible.

More shops than oxford street, I bet, and ohhh I wish I lived there right now.

This post was going to be longer. But i've been distracted by the song on my stereo - "To Be With You"; Mr Big.

Something in the words is reflective of me.
While i'm reflecting, here's the order of the last year.

Could it be love? > Love > Sex > Hate > Indifference > "Just Friends" > Wanting more...

This probably should have been said at the beginning of January, but no time like the present, eh. I hope this year's not like the last.

elephant.

"Do you ever feel like there's an elephant in the room?"

"Like, when you want to say something but you can't, and so the not being able to say that thing blocks you from saying so many other things. Because it's an elephant, that takes up too much room."

Absolutely clueless. Alright, so my explanation wasn't particularly coherent but still...

And there's a part of me that's glad. This means that an awkward conversation wasn't had. However, maybe the whole reason I sent that was to try and lead into 'that' conversation.

I wish I didn't feel like this. But at the same time, I'm glad I do. I thought I would never feel like this again after Thorn.
I knew it would be him. I always want what I can't have.

false hurry.

For the last 6 minutes, I ran madly around my room putting on deodorant, brushing hair, finding clothes...

I thought it was Saturday, and was having a panic. Both parents had left the house, which I thought was a little odd, but continued to rush around.

I realised it was Friday when I went to take my pill. "How did I manage to miss yesterdays?" And then I remembered, I didn't go to work yesterday...

I was relieved, but couldn't quite find the voice to laugh at myself.

puzzles.

I often wonder about things, and never think to write them down. The thoughts are still in my head, but at the back somewhere.

On a bit of a thinking tangent, this is how I try to find information or memories. When someone says to me, 'think harder' or 'how could you possibly have forgotten?' (especially the latter), I think, why don't I know/remember? I put it in here somewhere...

I try this process called, the Filing Cabinet. Which means in my head, there are many many stainless steel cabinets that hold within them, all of my knowledge and memories.
There are the overall subjects - People, Places, Objects, Subjects, and so on. And then within that, there are sub-categories, so for people there's Family, Friends, People at School, People at work. And so on and so forth.

Anyway, back to wondering about things and puzzling over them, there are a few things at the moment. They are;

1. If every time you fall in love, it's supposed to be different, why am I getting the same feelings about Mr R as I did about Thorn at the beginning? Is this just lust? Because at the time, with Thorn, I took it as the beginnings of Love. Maybe it's a warning sign that I shouldn't get involved.

2. Why do bad things happen in threes?

3. Why shouldn't I put new shoes on the table? If they're still in their box, surely that means that the box is on the table, and not the shoes themselves?

I could be here for hours now. Once I start wondering, there's no stopping me unless I stop myself (before I get carried away). If that makes sense.

I'm going to get a chocolate muffin now.
Still haven't texted Mr R. Won't. Shan't. But don't blame me if I reply to his instigation...

fall down.

Missed phone call from work. Do I want to do overtime tonight? Not really.

Although I should, because I have a lot of things to pay for in the almost immediate future - why do people have to have birthdays??

Resisting the urge to send a text message. It's now 17:16 so i've resisted almost 7 1/2 hours. 5 1/2 if you don't count the 2 hour driving lesson I had. So far, so good.

Finished reading Petite Anglaise, wanting to know what happened after the tres tense moment between herself and Mr Frog. Trawling blog later, but for now I need to leave my laptop and write down my mum's facebook log in for her.

I would like summer now, if you don't mind.

electricity.

Introducing Mr R.

Unfortunately for me, Mr R has a girlfriend. But for some reason, he's reluctant to see her. One week, I saw him almost every day.
It's funny really. It seems as though she loves him (she left him a comment on his facebook saying so) however he doesn't appear to reciprocate that feeling.

Every time I see him, just before, I always tell myself it's the last time, that I can't see him so regularly when he has a girlfriend because I will just get in way too deep and that's just no good. And after he's gone, I tell myself it was the last time.

But everytime he suggests doing something, I just can't say no.
So, now i'm in too deep. There seems to be this static between us, but I think i'm the only one that feels it. Which sucks...

This time last year, one of my friends, who we shall call North, was involved with Mr R. During the time they 'had a thing', they kissed once (Which I think we can safely assume he never told his girlfriend), but he spent a lot of time wondering whether he should ditch his girlfriend or not.

So thinking this all over, a scene in 'Loser' comes to mind. When Dora is talking to Paul, and she says that there are some people who stay in a relationship because they don't think anything better will come along, and there are some people who are miserable and alone. Then there's this select group who find the person that they love, and who loves them equally in return.

Mr R, I think, falls into the first category.

alone time.

So I finally decided to consolidate all of my *loans*...and by that I mean, stop making millions of these things and barely using any of them, and deleting them. And then I put them into one montly repayment, and I mean, using this account and only this one.

I'm not sure if this analogy linking 'thing' really works, but it does in my head, so I think that's ok.

So I got back from Paris last night. Bus journeys are always the worst. You spend 6 hours on a coach - 3 hours to dover, 3 hours from calais to paris. The second 3 hours are the worst because there is something seriously wrong with French 'countryside' and by that I mean, it's just completely empty and dull. There are no leafy green trees or hedges dividing the fields. You pretty much travel along a long road, slowly losing the will to live.

When you finally get to civilisation there are about 10 train stations and many looming grey buildings...I suppose it looks better when the sun is shining. The hotel actually was grey but in a painted way, not concrete, and the rooms were a nightmare of lime green. But i'm not complaining - for the price the whole holiday cost, I was very pleasantly suprised.

But my feet have never hurt so much in my life. One night, we went to what I think translates as the Latin Quarter (I could be wrong), and we got off the metro some 20 minutes away from the area, instead of at the stop that is right in the middle of it. What gives.

The eiffel tower is, in my opinion, a little bit overrated. If I wanted to see an electricity pilon, I would have gone to Didcot. It's impressive at night when it's all golden and sparkly, but not during the day. Hence why on Sunday, I went to the musee de la mode instead of l'armee and the eiffel tower. We also went to starbucks. Pro!

The Louvre, was a little disappointing also, to be honest. Yes, it is massive, yes, the pyramids are incredible, but it's definitely for arty types. If you spend a minute on every object and painting in the building you would be there for a fortnight, but I cant imagine how you could possibly look at the things there in that much detail - a minute is a long time when you're staring at Venus de Milo.

So, not for me, but I suppose for people that can 'read between the lines' of paintings it's awesome. I'd rather go to a library (could I read french).

Sainte Chapelle was incroyable, however. Over 1000 religious scenes, all in stained glass. So beautiful. Conciergerie was disappointing. Only interesting thing really was the recreation of Marie Antoinette's cell, and pictures of how Paris has transformed. But by this point I was a bit sick of walking around looking at pictures.

I'm moaning a lot, but the City is amazing. You could walk around it for hours and still not be bored or sick of it. It's sort of beyond words.

It's made me realise just how different every country is. Visiting New York over a year ago and comparing it to Paris and London, there really are no other places like these cities in the world.

But i'm also wondering; if Paris is the City of Light, and New York is the City that never Sleeps, what is London??