happens.

Well, I told Mr R (Who shall hereafter be referred to as 'Bike') that I didn't like him like that (anymore. Too little too late or something, isnt it?).

Basically, i told him that i didn't like him like that, and that even if i did, nothing could ever happen (for reasons i have previously mentioned on here). There was something I left out however, and that was that he loves his bike way too much, that he is too preoccupied with it to really commit to a relationship. Hence why he is also known as bike.
His poor girlfriend =/

My phone is also on the blink, the light randomly chooses not to flash, the 'x' looking button (for go back, delete, etc) is broken and the silly little scroller ball sometimes decides not to let me go one way or another. It also only has the capacity for 120 texts which is not good. My dad is going to get my lovely little Samsung E250 unlocked from O2 for me so I can use that until my contract runs out in august.

Selling my Reading tickets, the line up isn't doing anything for me and I have better things to spend money on (waiting for Blink 182 to announce dates!!). Just need the guy to give me his money, would be nice.

Going shopping tomorrow, need to get something to wear to this rave party in april, also need to decide on outfit for beach theme party this saturday. Cannot wear bikini/tankini top because a) not enough support for this sort of thing b) cannot wear bra with either and c) will be cold. one word; nipples.

Might just wear a towel (with undies) and a belt. And shoes, obviously. Could be a go-er, need to think about level of appropriateness ie. how long will it stay up??

Need to go and sort out the other aspects of my internet life now, I have succumed to the power of twitter...god help me.

weakness.

Alright. So i'm just going to type for a while hopefully, and see what becomes of this.

I'm currently sat in the dark with just the light of my laptop screen slowly burning my tired eyes. I always wonder, when I do this, why am I still sat here? My eyes are tired, my head starts to hurt and I can't really think or concentrate. And then I think, and I realise. That actually, when I have my depressed days (or weeks, as it goes), I wonder what I have to wake up to. The answer is usually nothing. So I know that while i'm wasting time here, trying to convince myself i'm doing something productive, i'm really just putting off sleeping so I don't wake up so soon.
I've suddenly found myself with about 28 days left of life as I know it, and it's slipping away so swiftly, like sand through my fingers. I can't hold on.

So that's why I'm still here. I have just under 2 weeks until a 2 week break, and it can start as many days away as it likes. I wonder if everyone goes through this when they have to leave somewhere they've been happy and comfortable for 7 years? Although I'm not sure why - I didn't feel like this when I left junior school, or perhaps I didn't know it. And i'm definitely not happy or comfortable there anymore.

I always want things until I can get them, too. Mr R decides that he likes me now, and I don't want anything to do with him. Mainly for reasons outlined in a previous post. It's just because he's within my grasp. Defective relationships, here I come. Let's blame Thorn again.

I spoke to him on facebook the other night, as well. He denied his sloppy seconds and we were ok. This doesn't mean that I want to be friends, however.

A matter of extreme emergency, too. I have had a massive breakout of spots thanks to this Simple so-called kind to sensitive skin stuff. Hello allergic reaction. Ho hum.

Also I picked up my friend today because we were going to see the A2 drama students' play, and I forgot to put the handbrake on when I parked, so by the time we got to the car it had started to roll off. We got the *lolz* and I grabbed the back door handle while he got in the car and yanked the handbrake up. Naturally I scolded him for not pushing in the button because it makes that horrible grating sound before thanking him. But he didn't mind.
The play was hilarious.

just breathe.

"can you help me unravel my latest mistake; I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season..."

easy.

I'm never going to want anything with you because I cannot trust you.
Yesterday, you asked me if there was anything you could do. I said no, because you need to work this out for yourself.
Why would I say anything you want to hear when you're waiting to hear it before you ditch her. If you even will. If you really didn't like her, you would just get rid of her for your sake. Rather than waiting to see if anything else comes along.

I'm not going to become the very thing that broke my heart this time last year, I'm not going to do that to someone. This is the second time you've done something with someone whilst having a girlfriend. That's twice too many. When I go to university, I wouldn't be able to trust you not to do it to me.

ps I cant believe *you* (another you to the above) are still going around with her. She, who was supposed to be seeing you and no one else, made out with someone 4 years your Junior. Humiliating, she's cheated before you even started going out properly and with someone 'much' younger. Talk about Sloppy seconds.
Love you Stoner ;) what a cracker.

"Prick, Ha! Is that the reaction you expected to get from wearing a t-shirt like that? Did you wear it so that when you came over, we'd call you a Prick?"
"No, I came over here to get some weed..."

Big Happy Birthday and love to Fest and Recipe for yesterday!

4 weeks left of life as I know it.

liar.

I'm wondering if there's a market for "Diary of the Other Woman" ha.

I just don't know what to do. Long situation involving me having a semi nervy b about something (OMGOSH NEW SERIES OF THE INBETWEENERSS! ahem...) and not being able to think about anything else. Because now I don't know where I stand and I know that it's completely unfair on someone else and just =[, really. How do you even work out how you really feel about someone?
I don't like the thought of possibly messing with a relationship but it's not really my fault. Although I bet everyone says that, when I suppose they're partly to blame.

This probably isn't making too much sense but I don't really want to type out the whole situation because a) theres a lot and b) don't really want to put deep dirty honesty up here. Just in case.

In other news I am stressing about this stupid yearbook because the rest of my year group are completely incompetent and irresponsible and sooo forgetful but then they're only human =]

Also passed my driving test yesterday! 8 Minors ^_^ banging.

days.

Wow. This week is absolutely flying by. Thursday tomorrow. English synoptic mock and then History revision for friday morning. Then possibly seeing Mr R.
Friday = work at night, Saturday is work all day, might ask Flower and North if they fancy 'it' ;). By which I mean a three woman party at my house. Haven't had one in a while so it could be fun, but then they've probably got better things to do like see their boyfriends.
Yep, North has a boyfriend. How long it'll last i'm not sure...

I'm really loving Lily Allen's new album. The lyrics aren't fantastic from a language form structure point of view but that's the english student in me shining through, but for their purpose it's fantastic. Also, if it wasn't Lily, or if it had been done in another way, the songs would be incredibly cringe-worthy. But they're not. And if I pass my driving test on tuesday, then it's the first CD going in the car. Followed closely by John Barrowman but hey, that's me...

13% Bonus at work, should give me a looovely wage for this month. So here is my list of things to do/buy...
- Hair coloured. Red, as per, maybe a little more purpley-red. Not sure.
- Slippers. Mine are falling apart. The foam base in the right foot has started attempting to escape. Half of it has suceeded.
- Cinema. Marley & Me, Slumdog Millionaire if they're still out.
- Everclear CD. Been dying for one for ages. Can't keep downloading. Also I find CDs are much better because it gives you access to songs that aren't singles/movie soundtracking and so on.

And save some, for uni. Oh, black biros for exams in summer, and lined paper for schoolwork. Also get 20-pocket folders, will need 5, for notes.

Maybe a new pair of shoes. I saw some in Dune the other week for £85 on reduction. Yes pleeease =] But then I need to hit republic for summer dresses. Eeep.

Need sleep now. 3 Hour exams are not fun if you keep nodding off.

loop.

People always seem to wonder why i'm so quiet a lot of the time.
Well, ok. That's not exactly what they wonder. They just don't get who I am, because i'm one person with some people, and another with others.

It's just the effect people have. If you're around happy, loud people, it rubs off on you. And the same with quiet, more restrained people. And this is the person I am most. I suppose you could say i'm more of a listener than a talker, but lets put a bit of blame on Thorn again, because before him I used to be a non-stop talker.Then he made me feel like nothing I said mattered or was worth listening to.

Anyway. I don't just talk and talk and if something's bothering me, I keep it quiet until I can't bear it anymore. Maybe that's why.

I've been ill this last week with a sore throat, the flu and now laryngitus, which is a result of everything else I suppose. But I didn't get one text or call from the people that are meant to give a damn, asking how I am or even where I am (seeing as they wouldn't know I was ill).

And then a few of my "friends" went out to a party saturday night, well they went to 2, both of which I was invited to. But I didn't get asked by them if I was going or what. Even though, when I am going to something and I know they are, I ask them, and organise stuff around getting there and back, helping them out etc.

And now that Flower is going back out with her Boyf, they've become their own elite little threesome again and I've been ditched and left out of the loop.

Just being asked would have been nice.

stars.

I just want to watch the stars with you, sitting on the grass as they in the sky.

the line begins to blur.

I was just thinking about relationships and emotions, and I had a realisation.

Everyone tells you that when you fall in love, it's different every time, I think I mentioned that in a blog before. But what they also tell you is that usually, when you look back on previous relationships when you're in another or at least getting feelings for someone else, you realise how not in love you were.

But it's different for me. Now I'm thinking back to everything that happened and I realised that I really did love him. More than I had realised at the time, I think, and if I could do it again I would do it differently - but that's not saying I want to do it again.

I also realise now, thinking about this, how thin the line is between Love and Hate. When we said those vicious things to each other, at least on my part, I said them because I hated him for what he was doing to me, because I loved him. Heartbreak is such a physical as well as emotional feeling. It was as though my heart was literally torn in half inside my chest. The beats got dull and slow, and the ache was incredible. Such a change from how I felt in love but strangely similar. There was still that intense passion and emotion. It takes a lot to get you over that line between Love and Hate but once you're there it seems like the quickest transition in the world.

I fear if I write anymore this will turn into a jumbled rambling (if it hasn't already), and so I will stop here...

trapped.

There's a reason why people are discouraged from acting like they're in a movie; because things don't really work that way.

Usually, by telling someone how you feel, it makes you more liberated. You've got whatever it was off your chest, and you can carry on. But I just feel worse. More trapped than I was by the whole thing.

Because at first, I was offered the chance to talk about it, which I declined. I didn't see what good it would do. But I realise now. By not talking about it, the air wasn't cleared. So now, there's this huuge problem in which I feel one way with not an inkling about him, and I don't feel like I can talk to him like I used to. So it feels like I have lost a friend.

The worst part is, my other 'friends' I cannot talk to either, because of past issues and also issues about trust. Anyone else I could talk to, probably doesn't give a shit, or would just give too much patronising 'sympathy' (its the only way I could think of to describe it).

So i'm stuck.

In other news, I have a raging sore throat and a banging headache, with an assembly to do tomorrow - which I doubt I will do, because I doubt I will go in as I am feeling so rough, so the other girl will probably chicken out, leaving everyone in the lurch. I feel a day out of the house might kill me, and I have the possibility of a driving test next week that I cannot be ill for, along with mock exams.

Fun times, as always.