long.

haven't written in a while..i will soon, not right now, for 3 reasons...

1. I am tired.
2. my nails are drying and the smell is giving me a headache..
3. ..not helped by the teatowel i tied around my head for the Hells Kitchen final...

ciaoo x

jaded.

I don't know what to do, or say. I don't know what I can.
But slowly going insane. I don't know how much longer I can let you put it off.

shower.

Inconsistency is my middle name.
Like Oliver Cromwell, I am consistent in nothing. Which will help in revising for my unit 6 exam, but not in much else.

ain't it funny.

So I haven't posted in a while, so its probably about time.
There's been a few moments of hilarity, none of which I can remember (or would seem so funny out of context and so on). These holidays have been good so far, haven't really done much though, and have done even less work.
Teds isn't talking to me, and i'm not sure why. I was supposed to meet up with him on wednesday but then I couldn't because I forgot I was supposed to be visiting the Regal in Oxford with my sister and helping with her website, whilst that was also my only free day to do homework. So I sent him a text tuesday afternoon and have had no reply. So really, if he's going to be like that then fuck it.
Also, Bike is being a bit of an idiot about this whole thing and whilst he is texting me back now, still not really talking and he seems very reluctant.
But one advantage has come out of this, which is that i'm beginning to work out exactly how I operate in terms of people. Which isn't necessarily a good thing because i'm mainly finding faults. At least, I think I am.
I think I might have been a bit hasty, however on reflection this is ok because of my horoscope (which why explain why i'm feeling as i am at the moment). So it feels as it does when a close friend or something goes away, or you break up with someone and you know it's wrong.
But then i'm thinking this is just because I like to want what I can't have and when I can have it, I don't want it anymore. A bit like that guy in that film with Jennifer Aniston where he's sleeping with her but isn't interested when he finds out she's dumped her "boyfriend" for him.
So yeah.
But I might actually be missing him. I know I am as a friend, because he's the only one I could really talk to but I just don't know.

If anyone's reading this, some advice would be nice.

just dance.

So its 3 minutes to midnight (almost got Iron Maiden in there) and it is FREEZING in my room. I've started getting cold hand syndrome again which means i'm on the computer too much (resting arm on desk cuts off circulation = coldness) but this doesn't explain why my feet are always so cold.

I was just thinking about music. I used to always be sifting through Purevolume and Myspace Music and so on, trying to find something new, but now I don't. I was thinking about songs by Less Than Jake and singing them in my head, loving the words and the rythmn and just everything. But whenever I have those songs on my itunes/ipod, I skip past them. I'm skipping My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte (can't believe i've still got them on there) and I don't know why. They used to set me on fire but now? Not so sure.

Either way, I am looking forward to McFly in a few weeks time, they never fail to make me fall in love with their music everytime, like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. Love it. Love the rush.

I still have no idea what i'm going to do for my birthday. Do I want a party? Do I want a present? Do I want money? I DONT KNOW. I suppose this is because I am female. We never really know what we want. Or that's just me, but that's how it is, either way.

Ho hum. I am hungry but cannot eat because I have recently brushed my teeth and still have that minty taste that makes everything taste revolting.

Yay for health.

Or not.

happens.

Well, I told Mr R (Who shall hereafter be referred to as 'Bike') that I didn't like him like that (anymore. Too little too late or something, isnt it?).

Basically, i told him that i didn't like him like that, and that even if i did, nothing could ever happen (for reasons i have previously mentioned on here). There was something I left out however, and that was that he loves his bike way too much, that he is too preoccupied with it to really commit to a relationship. Hence why he is also known as bike.
His poor girlfriend =/

My phone is also on the blink, the light randomly chooses not to flash, the 'x' looking button (for go back, delete, etc) is broken and the silly little scroller ball sometimes decides not to let me go one way or another. It also only has the capacity for 120 texts which is not good. My dad is going to get my lovely little Samsung E250 unlocked from O2 for me so I can use that until my contract runs out in august.

Selling my Reading tickets, the line up isn't doing anything for me and I have better things to spend money on (waiting for Blink 182 to announce dates!!). Just need the guy to give me his money, would be nice.

Going shopping tomorrow, need to get something to wear to this rave party in april, also need to decide on outfit for beach theme party this saturday. Cannot wear bikini/tankini top because a) not enough support for this sort of thing b) cannot wear bra with either and c) will be cold. one word; nipples.

Might just wear a towel (with undies) and a belt. And shoes, obviously. Could be a go-er, need to think about level of appropriateness ie. how long will it stay up??

Need to go and sort out the other aspects of my internet life now, I have succumed to the power of twitter...god help me.

weakness.

Alright. So i'm just going to type for a while hopefully, and see what becomes of this.

I'm currently sat in the dark with just the light of my laptop screen slowly burning my tired eyes. I always wonder, when I do this, why am I still sat here? My eyes are tired, my head starts to hurt and I can't really think or concentrate. And then I think, and I realise. That actually, when I have my depressed days (or weeks, as it goes), I wonder what I have to wake up to. The answer is usually nothing. So I know that while i'm wasting time here, trying to convince myself i'm doing something productive, i'm really just putting off sleeping so I don't wake up so soon.
I've suddenly found myself with about 28 days left of life as I know it, and it's slipping away so swiftly, like sand through my fingers. I can't hold on.

So that's why I'm still here. I have just under 2 weeks until a 2 week break, and it can start as many days away as it likes. I wonder if everyone goes through this when they have to leave somewhere they've been happy and comfortable for 7 years? Although I'm not sure why - I didn't feel like this when I left junior school, or perhaps I didn't know it. And i'm definitely not happy or comfortable there anymore.

I always want things until I can get them, too. Mr R decides that he likes me now, and I don't want anything to do with him. Mainly for reasons outlined in a previous post. It's just because he's within my grasp. Defective relationships, here I come. Let's blame Thorn again.

I spoke to him on facebook the other night, as well. He denied his sloppy seconds and we were ok. This doesn't mean that I want to be friends, however.

A matter of extreme emergency, too. I have had a massive breakout of spots thanks to this Simple so-called kind to sensitive skin stuff. Hello allergic reaction. Ho hum.

Also I picked up my friend today because we were going to see the A2 drama students' play, and I forgot to put the handbrake on when I parked, so by the time we got to the car it had started to roll off. We got the *lolz* and I grabbed the back door handle while he got in the car and yanked the handbrake up. Naturally I scolded him for not pushing in the button because it makes that horrible grating sound before thanking him. But he didn't mind.
The play was hilarious.

just breathe.

"can you help me unravel my latest mistake; I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season..."

easy.

I'm never going to want anything with you because I cannot trust you.
Yesterday, you asked me if there was anything you could do. I said no, because you need to work this out for yourself.
Why would I say anything you want to hear when you're waiting to hear it before you ditch her. If you even will. If you really didn't like her, you would just get rid of her for your sake. Rather than waiting to see if anything else comes along.

I'm not going to become the very thing that broke my heart this time last year, I'm not going to do that to someone. This is the second time you've done something with someone whilst having a girlfriend. That's twice too many. When I go to university, I wouldn't be able to trust you not to do it to me.

ps I cant believe *you* (another you to the above) are still going around with her. She, who was supposed to be seeing you and no one else, made out with someone 4 years your Junior. Humiliating, she's cheated before you even started going out properly and with someone 'much' younger. Talk about Sloppy seconds.
Love you Stoner ;) what a cracker.

"Prick, Ha! Is that the reaction you expected to get from wearing a t-shirt like that? Did you wear it so that when you came over, we'd call you a Prick?"
"No, I came over here to get some weed..."

Big Happy Birthday and love to Fest and Recipe for yesterday!

4 weeks left of life as I know it.

liar.

I'm wondering if there's a market for "Diary of the Other Woman" ha.

I just don't know what to do. Long situation involving me having a semi nervy b about something (OMGOSH NEW SERIES OF THE INBETWEENERSS! ahem...) and not being able to think about anything else. Because now I don't know where I stand and I know that it's completely unfair on someone else and just =[, really. How do you even work out how you really feel about someone?
I don't like the thought of possibly messing with a relationship but it's not really my fault. Although I bet everyone says that, when I suppose they're partly to blame.

This probably isn't making too much sense but I don't really want to type out the whole situation because a) theres a lot and b) don't really want to put deep dirty honesty up here. Just in case.

In other news I am stressing about this stupid yearbook because the rest of my year group are completely incompetent and irresponsible and sooo forgetful but then they're only human =]

Also passed my driving test yesterday! 8 Minors ^_^ banging.

days.

Wow. This week is absolutely flying by. Thursday tomorrow. English synoptic mock and then History revision for friday morning. Then possibly seeing Mr R.
Friday = work at night, Saturday is work all day, might ask Flower and North if they fancy 'it' ;). By which I mean a three woman party at my house. Haven't had one in a while so it could be fun, but then they've probably got better things to do like see their boyfriends.
Yep, North has a boyfriend. How long it'll last i'm not sure...

I'm really loving Lily Allen's new album. The lyrics aren't fantastic from a language form structure point of view but that's the english student in me shining through, but for their purpose it's fantastic. Also, if it wasn't Lily, or if it had been done in another way, the songs would be incredibly cringe-worthy. But they're not. And if I pass my driving test on tuesday, then it's the first CD going in the car. Followed closely by John Barrowman but hey, that's me...

13% Bonus at work, should give me a looovely wage for this month. So here is my list of things to do/buy...
- Hair coloured. Red, as per, maybe a little more purpley-red. Not sure.
- Slippers. Mine are falling apart. The foam base in the right foot has started attempting to escape. Half of it has suceeded.
- Cinema. Marley & Me, Slumdog Millionaire if they're still out.
- Everclear CD. Been dying for one for ages. Can't keep downloading. Also I find CDs are much better because it gives you access to songs that aren't singles/movie soundtracking and so on.

And save some, for uni. Oh, black biros for exams in summer, and lined paper for schoolwork. Also get 20-pocket folders, will need 5, for notes.

Maybe a new pair of shoes. I saw some in Dune the other week for £85 on reduction. Yes pleeease =] But then I need to hit republic for summer dresses. Eeep.

Need sleep now. 3 Hour exams are not fun if you keep nodding off.

loop.

People always seem to wonder why i'm so quiet a lot of the time.
Well, ok. That's not exactly what they wonder. They just don't get who I am, because i'm one person with some people, and another with others.

It's just the effect people have. If you're around happy, loud people, it rubs off on you. And the same with quiet, more restrained people. And this is the person I am most. I suppose you could say i'm more of a listener than a talker, but lets put a bit of blame on Thorn again, because before him I used to be a non-stop talker.Then he made me feel like nothing I said mattered or was worth listening to.

Anyway. I don't just talk and talk and if something's bothering me, I keep it quiet until I can't bear it anymore. Maybe that's why.

I've been ill this last week with a sore throat, the flu and now laryngitus, which is a result of everything else I suppose. But I didn't get one text or call from the people that are meant to give a damn, asking how I am or even where I am (seeing as they wouldn't know I was ill).

And then a few of my "friends" went out to a party saturday night, well they went to 2, both of which I was invited to. But I didn't get asked by them if I was going or what. Even though, when I am going to something and I know they are, I ask them, and organise stuff around getting there and back, helping them out etc.

And now that Flower is going back out with her Boyf, they've become their own elite little threesome again and I've been ditched and left out of the loop.

Just being asked would have been nice.

stars.

I just want to watch the stars with you, sitting on the grass as they in the sky.

the line begins to blur.

I was just thinking about relationships and emotions, and I had a realisation.

Everyone tells you that when you fall in love, it's different every time, I think I mentioned that in a blog before. But what they also tell you is that usually, when you look back on previous relationships when you're in another or at least getting feelings for someone else, you realise how not in love you were.

But it's different for me. Now I'm thinking back to everything that happened and I realised that I really did love him. More than I had realised at the time, I think, and if I could do it again I would do it differently - but that's not saying I want to do it again.

I also realise now, thinking about this, how thin the line is between Love and Hate. When we said those vicious things to each other, at least on my part, I said them because I hated him for what he was doing to me, because I loved him. Heartbreak is such a physical as well as emotional feeling. It was as though my heart was literally torn in half inside my chest. The beats got dull and slow, and the ache was incredible. Such a change from how I felt in love but strangely similar. There was still that intense passion and emotion. It takes a lot to get you over that line between Love and Hate but once you're there it seems like the quickest transition in the world.

I fear if I write anymore this will turn into a jumbled rambling (if it hasn't already), and so I will stop here...

trapped.

There's a reason why people are discouraged from acting like they're in a movie; because things don't really work that way.

Usually, by telling someone how you feel, it makes you more liberated. You've got whatever it was off your chest, and you can carry on. But I just feel worse. More trapped than I was by the whole thing.

Because at first, I was offered the chance to talk about it, which I declined. I didn't see what good it would do. But I realise now. By not talking about it, the air wasn't cleared. So now, there's this huuge problem in which I feel one way with not an inkling about him, and I don't feel like I can talk to him like I used to. So it feels like I have lost a friend.

The worst part is, my other 'friends' I cannot talk to either, because of past issues and also issues about trust. Anyone else I could talk to, probably doesn't give a shit, or would just give too much patronising 'sympathy' (its the only way I could think of to describe it).

So i'm stuck.

In other news, I have a raging sore throat and a banging headache, with an assembly to do tomorrow - which I doubt I will do, because I doubt I will go in as I am feeling so rough, so the other girl will probably chicken out, leaving everyone in the lurch. I feel a day out of the house might kill me, and I have the possibility of a driving test next week that I cannot be ill for, along with mock exams.

Fun times, as always.

pondering.

I'm not really sure what to write about today. I think I forgot yesterday, so I feel I should write something, even if it is completely pointless and uninteresting.

First things first, I guess, (or not, since this is the second point of this post), My Cousin/Godfather's wife had her baby yesterday night!! We don't know a name yet but pictures on facebook show he is pretty much adorable!!

Next, there's a girl in my English class who is doing my head in ever so slightly. Despite the fact that an argument in Paris seems to have been forgotten, her ever so closed mind is present as ever.
When we were given the task of converting a scene in Middleton and Rowley's "The Changeling" into a novel excerpt, we had to work in fours and then split into pairs. So myself and this girl were paired together because we both wanted to do the particular take on the play. But then she decided she wanted to write her piece in the style of Hardy, and did a slightly omniscient-but-missing-something piece - but our teacher wanted us to stick to the original script as much as we could. So I put in a lot of effort, almost 2 pages of writing for 2 (short) pages of script. And she said could I used a particular line to end mine, so it leads into hers (because we split the scene in half).
Except it was very...different to what I had already done. Because I interpreted the task as write novel section with dialogue, basic structure but particular language, her line looked so separate. And so the other day I decided I was going to write it on my own, and tell her this on Monday, giving her 2 days to finish hers.
They do not work together.
We can not work together.
I will not be told how to write my own work by somebody too high up their own backside to see anyone elses opinions, thoughts or talents.


So it seems I did have something to write. Hurrah!!

float.

Today I realised how much I am beginning to dislike North. I noticed it today. After we had finised at Cutsie's house, four of us went to a local pub, and North didn't come because she had a sports game to go to.
We just sat around, playing cards, and I got some chips with curry sauce.
And I realised why I find friday nights at the pub so boring - because I usually go with North and her nights revolve around getting plastered and wandering home at about 4 am. Whereas it's better not to worry about where your next drink or snog is coming from, and just relax with friends.

I got paid today, thank god, because when I walk with my slippers on, my big toe appears through the hole in the top, and also my ipod 'headphones' (as I call them, they're actually earplugs, am I right?) don't work properly anymore. The connection is going =[

Now i'm going to cuddle my belly full of pizza, chips, lemonade, cake and random 'cocktails' that the boys made, and watch friends.

rush.

its 11:08 pm (at time of typing) and I just realised I haven't posted today.

Mr R has just gone. Fun times...I don't really know what to add without getting aggravated with myself and also without running the risk of repeating a lot of things. So lets skim over that for now.

Tomorrow is one of my best friends' birthdays. It's going to be fun, because there's a (secret), but i'm also annoyed. Because I couldn't get any ID to go out in reading on friday.

On reflection though, i'm not mad. Because there's a reason there's an age limit on these things. I don't want to do it until i'm legally old enough. Because i've done everything else, what else is there to look forward to?

Birthdays and events such as christmas always give me chance to realise what a Shopaholic I really am. As long as I buy things, and spend money, i'm happy.
It doesn't even have to be for me. I realised this when I spend a ton of money at christmas, and just kept buying things.
Bad habit, will not help me live at uni, bad habit.

No idea how to cure it though. Comment suggestions, perhaps?

waiting.

Well, it's 8:25 am, and I don't have anything to (really) do until 1:35. Which is fun. Unfortunately these few hours could turn into a battle with my conscience.
For some reason, i've started thinking that absolutely anything I eat will make me gain about 10 lbs. Whilst I know this is not true, I don't feel like I should eat. I might just have some grapes.
The problem is that when I feel like this I feel like going the complete opposite way, and munching through terrible amounts of food in order to prove that I'm going to eat.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever way you look at it) there's not much in the way of good binging food in the house. So I am reduced to sandwiches, pasta or soup.

I've just remembered there are biscuits in the cupboard...hmm. Could be a starting point but the 'problem' is that my mum and I share them, so she will see how much i've eaten (especially since they're still in the packet and hidden in a cupboard, so my dad doesn't know where they are and so cannot eat them.

Other fun activities for the next three and a half hours until I get my bus include a shower, and maybe wii fit. We bought a new game yesterday, Pirates of the Caribbean; At Worlds End, however the sword fighting is so active that my arm is still aching. Fun times.

home and away.

I found a home away from home today. Not only can I imagine myself there, happily trundling along, doing what I love - but the area is incredible.

More shops than oxford street, I bet, and ohhh I wish I lived there right now.

This post was going to be longer. But i've been distracted by the song on my stereo - "To Be With You"; Mr Big.

Something in the words is reflective of me.
While i'm reflecting, here's the order of the last year.

Could it be love? > Love > Sex > Hate > Indifference > "Just Friends" > Wanting more...

This probably should have been said at the beginning of January, but no time like the present, eh. I hope this year's not like the last.

elephant.

"Do you ever feel like there's an elephant in the room?"

"Like, when you want to say something but you can't, and so the not being able to say that thing blocks you from saying so many other things. Because it's an elephant, that takes up too much room."

Absolutely clueless. Alright, so my explanation wasn't particularly coherent but still...

And there's a part of me that's glad. This means that an awkward conversation wasn't had. However, maybe the whole reason I sent that was to try and lead into 'that' conversation.

I wish I didn't feel like this. But at the same time, I'm glad I do. I thought I would never feel like this again after Thorn.
I knew it would be him. I always want what I can't have.

false hurry.

For the last 6 minutes, I ran madly around my room putting on deodorant, brushing hair, finding clothes...

I thought it was Saturday, and was having a panic. Both parents had left the house, which I thought was a little odd, but continued to rush around.

I realised it was Friday when I went to take my pill. "How did I manage to miss yesterdays?" And then I remembered, I didn't go to work yesterday...

I was relieved, but couldn't quite find the voice to laugh at myself.

puzzles.

I often wonder about things, and never think to write them down. The thoughts are still in my head, but at the back somewhere.

On a bit of a thinking tangent, this is how I try to find information or memories. When someone says to me, 'think harder' or 'how could you possibly have forgotten?' (especially the latter), I think, why don't I know/remember? I put it in here somewhere...

I try this process called, the Filing Cabinet. Which means in my head, there are many many stainless steel cabinets that hold within them, all of my knowledge and memories.
There are the overall subjects - People, Places, Objects, Subjects, and so on. And then within that, there are sub-categories, so for people there's Family, Friends, People at School, People at work. And so on and so forth.

Anyway, back to wondering about things and puzzling over them, there are a few things at the moment. They are;

1. If every time you fall in love, it's supposed to be different, why am I getting the same feelings about Mr R as I did about Thorn at the beginning? Is this just lust? Because at the time, with Thorn, I took it as the beginnings of Love. Maybe it's a warning sign that I shouldn't get involved.

2. Why do bad things happen in threes?

3. Why shouldn't I put new shoes on the table? If they're still in their box, surely that means that the box is on the table, and not the shoes themselves?

I could be here for hours now. Once I start wondering, there's no stopping me unless I stop myself (before I get carried away). If that makes sense.

I'm going to get a chocolate muffin now.
Still haven't texted Mr R. Won't. Shan't. But don't blame me if I reply to his instigation...

fall down.

Missed phone call from work. Do I want to do overtime tonight? Not really.

Although I should, because I have a lot of things to pay for in the almost immediate future - why do people have to have birthdays??

Resisting the urge to send a text message. It's now 17:16 so i've resisted almost 7 1/2 hours. 5 1/2 if you don't count the 2 hour driving lesson I had. So far, so good.

Finished reading Petite Anglaise, wanting to know what happened after the tres tense moment between herself and Mr Frog. Trawling blog later, but for now I need to leave my laptop and write down my mum's facebook log in for her.

I would like summer now, if you don't mind.

electricity.

Introducing Mr R.

Unfortunately for me, Mr R has a girlfriend. But for some reason, he's reluctant to see her. One week, I saw him almost every day.
It's funny really. It seems as though she loves him (she left him a comment on his facebook saying so) however he doesn't appear to reciprocate that feeling.

Every time I see him, just before, I always tell myself it's the last time, that I can't see him so regularly when he has a girlfriend because I will just get in way too deep and that's just no good. And after he's gone, I tell myself it was the last time.

But everytime he suggests doing something, I just can't say no.
So, now i'm in too deep. There seems to be this static between us, but I think i'm the only one that feels it. Which sucks...

This time last year, one of my friends, who we shall call North, was involved with Mr R. During the time they 'had a thing', they kissed once (Which I think we can safely assume he never told his girlfriend), but he spent a lot of time wondering whether he should ditch his girlfriend or not.

So thinking this all over, a scene in 'Loser' comes to mind. When Dora is talking to Paul, and she says that there are some people who stay in a relationship because they don't think anything better will come along, and there are some people who are miserable and alone. Then there's this select group who find the person that they love, and who loves them equally in return.

Mr R, I think, falls into the first category.

alone time.

So I finally decided to consolidate all of my *loans*...and by that I mean, stop making millions of these things and barely using any of them, and deleting them. And then I put them into one montly repayment, and I mean, using this account and only this one.

I'm not sure if this analogy linking 'thing' really works, but it does in my head, so I think that's ok.

So I got back from Paris last night. Bus journeys are always the worst. You spend 6 hours on a coach - 3 hours to dover, 3 hours from calais to paris. The second 3 hours are the worst because there is something seriously wrong with French 'countryside' and by that I mean, it's just completely empty and dull. There are no leafy green trees or hedges dividing the fields. You pretty much travel along a long road, slowly losing the will to live.

When you finally get to civilisation there are about 10 train stations and many looming grey buildings...I suppose it looks better when the sun is shining. The hotel actually was grey but in a painted way, not concrete, and the rooms were a nightmare of lime green. But i'm not complaining - for the price the whole holiday cost, I was very pleasantly suprised.

But my feet have never hurt so much in my life. One night, we went to what I think translates as the Latin Quarter (I could be wrong), and we got off the metro some 20 minutes away from the area, instead of at the stop that is right in the middle of it. What gives.

The eiffel tower is, in my opinion, a little bit overrated. If I wanted to see an electricity pilon, I would have gone to Didcot. It's impressive at night when it's all golden and sparkly, but not during the day. Hence why on Sunday, I went to the musee de la mode instead of l'armee and the eiffel tower. We also went to starbucks. Pro!

The Louvre, was a little disappointing also, to be honest. Yes, it is massive, yes, the pyramids are incredible, but it's definitely for arty types. If you spend a minute on every object and painting in the building you would be there for a fortnight, but I cant imagine how you could possibly look at the things there in that much detail - a minute is a long time when you're staring at Venus de Milo.

So, not for me, but I suppose for people that can 'read between the lines' of paintings it's awesome. I'd rather go to a library (could I read french).

Sainte Chapelle was incroyable, however. Over 1000 religious scenes, all in stained glass. So beautiful. Conciergerie was disappointing. Only interesting thing really was the recreation of Marie Antoinette's cell, and pictures of how Paris has transformed. But by this point I was a bit sick of walking around looking at pictures.

I'm moaning a lot, but the City is amazing. You could walk around it for hours and still not be bored or sick of it. It's sort of beyond words.

It's made me realise just how different every country is. Visiting New York over a year ago and comparing it to Paris and London, there really are no other places like these cities in the world.

But i'm also wondering; if Paris is the City of Light, and New York is the City that never Sleeps, what is London??